I'm starting a new chapter in my life, that is ang Bagong CABAnata sa aking buhay. It doesn't mean though that I am ending my recollection of the stuff I was mold of... my Tomb Reader, my original CABAnata. The more that I am not escaping from a painful past by ending my story in the memory of my Mother. I'm brave. People who know me too well could attest to that. And this is no reason for me to give up. Actually, I have a long way to go in my recollection. Andami ko pa kayang mga CABAnata Paningit at CABAnata Rewind!

But why am I beginning this engagement?

Well, to start with... let me make a recollection.

It was May, 2005 when my cousin Cathy spent her vacation here in the Philippines after almost two years I think of being in the US with her family (husband and kid -- Kuya Dennis and Karen). She said Aunt Grace mentioned to her that my course is in demand in the US (Psychology). So I prepared all my credentials before Ate Cathy and her family would return to the US by June.

At that moment, too, another Aunt in the US, Aunt Tarcela had a major heart attack and was in coma. She is my mother's eldest sister who generously financed my mother's chemotherapy expenses. The more that I was in deep need of acquiring some wealth so I may be able to help her out, too in her expenses or her family's.

To cut the story short, another Aunt (father side), Aunt Genie with her husband Uncle Mel was already in the US as teachers in the Sciences. They had my credentials checked and saw I can be a SpEd teacher or a Speech Pathologist because of my experience with children with special needs and in implementing Homeroom Speech Program for a child with Autism. But... with a capital B-U-T... I lack the units to be a licensed teacher or speech pathologist in the US.

And so, I was asked to choose from the two, which course I have to complete. I considered Speech Pathology because I found it sosy sa pandinig. Hahahahaha!!! But unfortunately, only UP Manila is offering the course entire the Philippines and I have to make a fast decision whether to resign in my present job to go to Manila to study or just take up Special Education at the PLM during Sundays. The options were both tiring to start with. So I opted a Master's Degree in Special Education at the DMMMSU-SLUC and acquired a Certification in Teaching at the same state university in their Open University Program and at the same time enrolling myself in yet another Certification in Caring for the Special Child at the UP-Open University System (IVLE). So there! I gave up speech pathology for an MA and two Post Baccalaureatte Degrees. Ain't that cool!??

And so within two years, I earned two Certifications, finished in the process my MA in Guidance and Counseling and about to finish my MA in Special Education. I only have nine units to go which I intend to finish next semester including my Comprehensive Exam and Thesis Title Defense.

In addition, I have gained confidence in filing for an application to the US as a special education teacher. Almost a month ago, my Aunt Genie e-mailed me telling me to make an application letter and resume addressed to their agency. I said, "Cool!"

I made one and forwarded it to her. After three days, she responded, telling me that I have to work on my resume and limit it to two-three pages and as for the application letter, she said she can make that for me. And mind you, she sent her own application letter and resume of which really totally with all honesty shocked me. And almost bombarded the little confidence that I so carefully taken good cared of  for all these years. Basta, I am so proud of all her achievements. Auntie ko nga siya. Diddums!

After forwarding to her my resume, I waited for her to forward me the application letter she made so I can send it through LBC to their agency. Shockingly, she forwarded everything on her own and the next thing I know, I'm attending a seminar for potential teachers bound for US and was asked to acquire a passport.

Bagong CABAnata? Well, I have just acquired my passport and let's wait and see what will happen next...

Got my pen. Scribbled some words. Thought it was pure nonsense. Then my lines created some shapes. My mind shouted but it ended there. My scream got stuck at the middle of that somewhere where words are created and are processed if they can be blurted out without hurting yourself or other people. I can't remember what area of the brain is that. I have fully forgotten my anatomy and physiology. But one thing I know and have concluded. I'm not yet insane though I seem to be in the verge of it.

Yeah sanity! When can one claim he/she is sane? Can you?

One more thing though, I'm still in full control. Got no executive dysfunction or whatsoever. I was still able to regulate my affect and maintain my interest in this thing I love the most doing -- BLOGGING!!!

Words... They are indeed my bestfriends. They make me release bad energies accumulated in my system. CATHARSIS. At least my professors in Psychology would still be proud of me because I remember one important gradient in one's humanization process -- CATHARSIS.

BLOGGING = CATHARSIS

At tulad ng lahat ng buhay dito sa mundong ibabaw, hindi lahat ay purong kaligayahan, saya, tuwa, achievement, success, gladness, ecstasy… indeed there is no total bliss. Bakit ganito ang tono ng aking tema ngayong araw na ito. Well, like what I have mentioned in my previous CABAnata, I was pregnant with Bea then when we learned that Mama had a BIG C. Buti sana kung na-discover siya earlier, but unfortunately, Mama's breast cancer was already stage IV – in it's final pace – when we found out. The oat cells already metastasized in her lungs and liver, both of which are made of soft tissues that can be easily destroyed by the killer CA cells.

My story of this painful event in my life, I wrote in my prose A Microcosm of Life (sorry Vanessa, I borrowed your terms, though I know you would understand). Read on…

A Microcosm of Life

August 25, 2003. At around 6:30 a.m., I woke up with the usual sight of Bea – her cute muscled feet on top of flabby tummy. And a trace of milk at the side of her lips. Ah! What a wonderful sight to behold. If only I could freeze the hands of time. but I know, the day has just began.

I pulled my body to stand up. I feel terribly heavy. It's as if I'm carrying tons of loads. I dragged my feet to the CR. Took a bath and put on my Monday uniform. I kissed Bea goodbye for the day. Hugged her close to me. as if drawing strength and inspiration  from her little body. Her warmth against my breast made me realize that despite the burden I am containing within me, an angel is there for me – painting a smile on my saddened face everytime I look at her. And this baby – a more fragile soul is also drawing strength from me – strength and wisdom in facing the big world spread forth in front of her; so I should be strong. I should not let problems knock me off.

So I head on…

I arrived home at 7:30 (Mama's house where I used to live and have grown and have been loved). Mama is still taking a bath. So I waited. I wasn't sure then if time was a friend or the enemy.

9:00 a.m. Lorma Medical Center. The hallways seem torn and bloody as a battlefield. I knew a number of bodies die there everyday. A hundred souls might still be roaming around peacelessly – haven't accepted their death. I hear voices uttering strange garbled noises. But I know, deep within me, these are all merely auditory illusions.

The nurse said we'll just wait until 10:30 for the doctor to arrive. So Yamoj got off his feet and headed to the canteen. I suddenly felt the pang of hunger made a terrible bite on the thin walls of my stomach.

While eating, Yamoj spilled his usual lines of funny stuff. But I cannot even exert some forced effort to just smile. Though Mama laughed. I was expecting her laugh to be the usual laugh she is known of – full of life and animation. But there was none. All I heard was a different note. It was a strange laugh, completely devoid of mirth. "Je-ne-sais-quoi?" I really don't know what? But I'm quite certain that something was wrong. That something would come. Something I need not guess but it will come. The thoughts drifted away… so much too quickly gone. I just also hope this something will be over soon… sooner before it'll happen.

Again, my thoughts drifted… so much too quickly gone… gone… gone…

"All endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time…"

From the author of the phenomenal number one bestseller Tuesdays with Morrie, comes this enchanting, beautifully written novel that explores a mystery only heaven can unfold.

Eddie is a grizzled war veteran who feels trapped in the toil of his father before him, fixing rides at the seaside amusement park. As the park has changed over the years – from the Loop-the-Loop to the Pipeline Plunge – so, too, has Eddie changed, from the optimistic youth to the embittered old age. The war left him wounded. His days tumbled into one another, a mix of loneliness, regret and sad dreams of what could have been.

Then, on his eighty-third birthday, Eddie dies in a tragic accident, trying to save a little girl from a falling cart. With his final breath, he feels two small hands in his – and then nothing. He awakens in the afterlife, where he learns that heaven is not a lush Garden of Eden, but a place where your earthly life is explained to you by five people who were in it. These people may have been loved ones or distant strangers. Yet each of them changed their path forever.

As the story builds to its stunning conclusion, Eddie desperately seeks redemption in the still unknown last act of his life: Was it a heroic success or a devastating failure? The answer, which comes from the most unlikely of sources, is as magical and inspirational as a glimpse of heaven itself.

In The Five People You Meet in Heaven, Mitch Albom gives us an astoundingly original story that will change everything we have ever thought of about afterlife – and the meaning of our lives here on earth.

(taken from the book)

Last March, I was looking for an inspirational book where I can lift a passage or two to be my springboard for my pep talk. I ran my fingers through the Mihalic collection in the library and browsed through their pages. I copied a line and related it to my topic which is ending up the school year with a bang! And welcoming the summer with God still the center. Ain't that cool stuff? I really am a product of a Catholic school from pre-elementary to college and now working as a counselor in a school ran by ICM sisters.

In the process though, I opened up my concern to our principal and she so generously handed me a pile of books (as in pile talaga kasi inabot ako ng dalawang araw to just look into the gist of each book). From there, I borrowed Tuesdays with Morrie not for my talk but for the summer (pamatay oras kumbaga) but I only found time reading it just almost a month ago. Falling in love with Mitch, I walked myself to the library and asked if they have other books written by him. And so our librarian handed me The Five People You Meet in Heaven which a read at once though I was still finishing the last two chapters of Morrie.

The book didn't fail me. just a few leaves away from the cover page, I was already crying. And mind you, I was in the bus when my tears kept on welling from my eyes and I told myself, "To hell with the rest of the passengers!", who were unabashedly staring at me like I'm some kind of an alien from an unknown pit of corny lunatics.

And to blow your bubble (of those who haven't read the book yet), here are the five people Eddie met in heaven and the lessons each of them has imparted to Eddie, of course unknowingly to him. Aren't we all like that? We usually lack the wisdom to read between the events happening to us and question why these things happen to us – blaming the Lord and other people for our own kapalpakans. I am guilty I must admit of this mortal felony.

1. The Blue Man who worked with young Eddie's father in the amusement park was his first person. Eddie didn't know him personally, but Eddie caused his death. How? I will leave it to your own reading para may thrill kung balak mo siyang basahin.

Lesson:

That there are no random acts. That we are all connected. That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind.

2. The second person Eddie meets in heaven is the Captain of the troop he belonged to when he was a soldier and fought during the World War II in the Philippines (this is one thing I liked in the book, our country played a very important role in the main character's life – not simply important, but it caused the entire twist in Eddie's life).

Lesson:

Sacrifice is a part of life. It's supposed to be. It's something to aspire to. Little sacrifices. Big sacrifices… Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else.

3. Eddie's third person is Ruby whose name is written on the wrecked arc at the entrance of the pier leading to the amusement park where Eddie works. She was the woman of whom the original owner – her husband – offered the park as sign of his undying love. Eddie doesn't know her. His only recollection of her is an old worn-out picture of her stacked with other grease-covered stuff in the pier's store room.

Lesson:

All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces beyond repair…

Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves. Forgive.

Why did she say this? Ganoon pa rin ang sagot ko, basahin mo 'day/dong ang libro! I tell you, hindi ka magsisisi.

4. Marguerite is Eddie's fourth person – his wife. She died young, forty-seven. She died because of some drunken irresponsible kids. But Eddie thought then that he caused her death. So his life crumbled into a meaningless monochromatic hubbub.

Lesson:

Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.

Life has to end. Love doesn't.

5. And the fifth person Eddie got to meet in heaven is Tala – the small shadow inside the nipa hut Eddie set on fire after he and his comrades escaped from their captors. When he saw her outline beyond the dancing flames, he ran through the fire and wanted to save whoever was there, but the Captain feared for his life, so he stopped him by shooting his leg (o hayan, may pahapyaw na akong naikuwento sa significance ni Captain kay Eddie kaya you have to read on).

Lesson:

Children. You keep them safe. You make good for me.

Is where you're supposed to be.

Intrigued with the last of Eddie's five lessons? Sabi na sa iyo eh, you need to read the book. I bet, you'll have the same realization as Eddie did and I did.

How about you, who do you think would your five people be? And what lessons in life do you think they carry along with them?

Mine… I will have to make another entry. Mahaba na masyado ito. At para may babalikan din kayo. Sa next entry ko na rin ilalagay ang mga comments at reaction ng aking mga katoto sa SLU – friendster groupmates ko.

"Heaven is when you get to make sense of your yesteryears."

Naaalala ko, natuto akong magbasa sa Filipino dahil sa komiks. Itinatakas ko noon ang pagbabasa ng mga Wakasan ni Lola. Ipinagbabawal kasi ito ng aking Ama. Ika niya, wala raw buting idudulot ang pagbabasa nito sa akin. Maaaring may tama siya. Paano naman kasi masyadong torrid maghalikan ang mga bida sa mga Wakasang kuwento sa komiks. At mantakin mo, pagkatapos magbasa, kulay uling na ang bawat himulmol ng iyong mga daliri. Kaya walang lihim na di nabubunyag dahil obvious na obvious ang ebidensiya ng aking pagkakasala kay Ama. Buti na lang at hindi siya namamalo.

Pero ang aking Ina, ever supportive. Binibilhan pa kaming magkapatid ng Funny Komiks at nakaulayaw namin si Let-Let (tama ba ako?) At lalong nahasa ang aking pagbabasa sa wikang Filipino. Salamat sa mga komiks galing kay Ina, nanalo ang aking sanaysay dahil maayos ang pagkakabuod ko ng aking mga kaisipan para maiparating ang kahalagahan ng ating sariling wika.

Ngunit sa panahong ito, napansin kong wala nang mga batang nagbabasa ng mga Pinoy komiks. Karamihan ng mga kabataan, ang hawak ay Candy Magazine, Witch, Archie, Peanuts, Spiderman at ang masama pa ay kung komiks na pornograpiya pa ang kinahumalingan ng ating mga nawawalan ng direksiyong kabataan. Ang komiks ay pinalitan ng mga makabagong teknolohiya kagaya ng mga larong Pinoy na unti-unting namamatay sa sarili nilang bansa.

Nakakalungkot mang isipin, ang sining na ito ay ginugupo na at maaaring di na masilayan ng mga lahing parating pa lamang. Ang ating mga magagaling na animators ay sumisikat sa labas ng bansa kung saan ang kanilang husay at talento ay pinapakinabangan at pinagkakakitaan ng mga dayuhan.

Komiks... salamat at naranasan kong madungisan ng iyong nangingitim na tinta. Salamat at tinuruan mo akong magbasa. Higit sa lahat, salamat at iminulat mo ako sa pagmamahal at pagpapahalaga ko sa aking sariling wika.

Ikaw? Pinoy Komikera ka rin ba?

We at times sit at one corner alone, appreciating life as we see it through our eyes...

Suddenly, someone surprises us… shares that corner until it becomes the world.

Isn't that amazing?

Sometimes we are caught off guard by people who then were strangers from a far off land. We meet them. We become acquaintances. We learn to like them. We find some differences, yet we click. We laugh at the same corny jokes over and over again. We cry at the same old movies we have both watched but re-tell the story as if the other missed out the details. Sometimes we become so stupid raking some thoughts to spill, but in the end, we feel that silence becomes a unity of colors and sounds that fill-in the gap between us. Then we realize, we have found a friend in this then stranger.

The cycle never stops. In doesn't find an end. I met Armila. Then Teresa. The three of us ate some burgers at Mc Donald's. Then there was Myrna. Then Ate Arnila. Then Flor. The six of us ate pizza at Greenwich.

Then Teresa moved out. Then Armila. After a year, I moved in with Armila. Then we have found our home with some other people who became our friends. There was Ate Imelda, then Ate Marivel, Ate Daisy, Ate Glenda, Ate Nida and Ate Cathy. TheN Teresa found her way back to us. Then Flor moved in with us. After a year, Ate Arnila from another planet joined us. In the process, we lost contact of Myrna, but some more people came – Analyn, Marie, Ruby, Ate Chai, Ma'am Nora, Ate Rosabel, Ate Reynilda who came for a moment then left, Ate Alma and our new baby, Arleen. And who knows who else would find their way to our small nook. Now we eat a full bilao of pancit.

Yeah, I started in that small nook I thought was so beautiful for someone like me. After almost nine years, I woke up and found a colorful nook with unity of various hues and sounds. Geeezzz! Now I will have to get a more spacious place for all of us…   

Ronald and I got married in July 28, 2001. I got pregnant in summer of 2002. Imagine my pain thinking I could never bear a child and give my husband the happiness of a complete home. At buwan-buwan, kapag pumalya lang ng ilang araw ang pagdating ng aking menstruation ay bumibili na agad ako ng pregnancy test kit. At anong sakit dahil ang kagalakan ay mapapalitan kapagdaka ng sanlaksang kalungkutan. Kahungkagan. Iyak ako ng iyak. Walang araw at gabi na ipinagdasal ko na sana mabiyayaan na kami ng kahit isang supling man lamang. At nang mapagod ako sa pagdarasal, nagsimula kong kamuhian at kuwestiyonin ang plano ng Panginoon para sa aming mag-asawa. At tuwing nakakapanood ako sa telebisyon ng mga batang napapabayaan o mga sanggol na intentionally ay iniiwan ng mga ina sa kung saang sulok ng kalye at simbahan at mga walang-kaluluwang ina-abort ang kaawa-awang nilalang sa kanilang sinapupunan, lalong napagtitibay ang aking pagkamuhi. Kung kanino at para saan, hindi ko alam.

Hanggang ultimo mga tula ko ay puno ng mga hinanakit (Refer to Mangoes, Bamboos and Poems – Mama's Unborn, and Mga Tula ni Gabriela – Kahilingan… both poems I made while I was too depressed to even go to mass, I put all the blame to my Creator). Kakulangan ng pag-asa. Pananampalataya? Pananalig? Nagkulang ako niyan. At ihiningi ko ito ng kapatawaran. Salamat pa rin sa aking mahal na kabiyak na patuloy sa pag-unawa. Patuloy na nagmamahal. At patuloy na nananalig. Hanggang sa kami'y mabiyayaan ng anak.

Salamat din sa isa naming ninang sa kasal na nagboluntaryong sagutin ang aming complete reproductive check-up. At nalaman namin kung saan ang aming problema. And fortunate enough, after a three-month fertility work out with Dr. Abilaine Ang (my OB), I got pregnant. Now you can just imagine the joy Ronald and I felt when in May I did not menstruate. At nang gumamit ako ng pregnancy test kit for the n^th time at lumabas ang dalawang guhit na matagal na naming inaasam-asam ay anong saya namin. Tinawagan agad ni Ronald ang kanyang mga kapatid na may luha ng kagalakan sa kanyang mga mata.

Tuwang-tuwa ang lahat para sa amin. At kung gaano ako inalagaan nina Mama, Nanay at Tatay noon, mas inalagaan pa nila ako nang magbuntis ako. Now I smile in the memory of Tatay (Ronald's father) na kung noon ay pinagluluto niya ako ng agahan at baon sa eskuwela at pinagpapakulo ng panligo, nang ako'y magbuntis, kulang na lang ay subuan niya ako at timplado na ang panligo ko pagkatapos kumain. One time while having breakfast, he came out of his room waering a thick jacket, still shivering from fever, he said, "May naluto na bang babaunin si Maria?" ain't that so sweet? May sakit na't lahat si Tatay, kapakanan ko pa rin ang iniisip niya. At kapag gumagana ang kapilyuhan ng aking asawa at hilig niya akong gelatin, nakakarinig siya ng pagsaway kay Tatay. Hay! Miss ko si Tatay dahil siya ang kakampi ko kapag nang-aaway ang pilyo niyang anak.

Si Nanay naman (my mother-in-law), parang New Year at kinumpleto yata ang 13 na uri ng prutas para ipakain sa akin. Mabuti naman at hindi niya ipinilit sa akin ang okra. Hahahahaha!!! At si Mama, super excited maging lola. Kahit nagke-chemo na siya noon ay nagtatabi pa siya ng pera pambili ng mga gamit ng baby.

At si Ronald, kulang na lang ay paliguan pa ako at buhatin para daw hindi ako matapilok dahil alam niya kung gaano ako ka-clumsy. Actually, may pagka-piki kasi ako kaya madali akong madapa. Kung mag-text ang bruho, minu-minuto. Feeling ko talaga noon, di ako ang concern niya kundi ang baby sa sinapupunan ko. Pero siyempre, kasama iyon sa package deal.

At nang malapit na akong manganak, sanlibo't sanglaksang saya ang nadarama ko. Naming mag-asawa. At lahat ng ito ay sinubukan kong ipaloob sa mga tulang nilikha ko. You can refer to Mangoes, Bamboos and Poems for the following poems (composed for Beatrice and Gabrielle, my second baby after almost four years):

1. Fruit of Love
2. Connection
3. Papa just can’t wait
4. My Children
5. Dear Bea, Dear Gaby
 

Ngayon, di lang isang anghel ang ipinaubaya sa aming pangangalaga kundi dalawang makukulit na anghel. My simple pleasures? Seeing Bea so big now, holding her sister's hands while they sleep. Ateng-ate ang lukring. At ang ama, package deal na rin sa naghahatid ligaya sa akin. Hearing their laughter is music to my ears. They bring so much joy that I sometimes find myself awake, staring at them in the middle of the night… listening to the sound of their rhythmic heartbeat and gentle breathing (snoring ni Ronald, rock music sa pandinig ko) with tears welling from my eyes. Then I whisper a silent prayer, "Thank you, Lord!" is all I can say.

Pag-aalay…
   ng pag-ibig
     di sapat
       sa pag-uugnay
   ng dalawang pusong…
     kapwa uhaw.

Pagbibigay…
   ng sarili
     di sapat
       sa pag-uugnay
   ng dalawang pusong…
     kapwa nalulumbay.

Pagsisilbi…
   sa minamahal
     di sapat
       sa pag-uugnay
   ng dalawang pusong…
     kapwa nagdurusa.

Ang tanging daan
   upang kanyang uhaw…
     kanyang lumbay…
       kanilang pagdurusa…
   matighaw…
     maibsan…
       mapagaan…
   ay ang iwaksi
     ang galit…
       ang pag-iimbot…
         ang kasakiman…
   sa puso
     at kaluluwa.

Pagkat ang daang
   nais ipabatid
     ay ang May Likha
   na Siyang nag-uugnay
     nag-aalay…
       nagbibigay…
         nagsisilbi…
   sa mga pusong
     nauuhaw…
       dahil sa kakulangan,
     nalulumbay…
       dahil sa kawalan,
     nagdurusa…
       dahil sa kasamaan…
   ng dalawang pusong
     ang tanging kahilingan
       ay pag-ibig… para
         sa sarili at
           sa minamahal…

Hear me
won’t you just hear me
for a sec.

Look at me
won’t you just take
a glimpse
on my scarred soul.

Have pity on thine spirit
won’t you just throw
thy mercy
on thy once beloved
servant.

I hear a cry
Oh damn!
How loud is thy cry
that twists my heart.

I hear a voice
Oh damn!
How clear is thy voice
that squeezes my soul.

I feel a beat
in thine womb
and it shatters me
that they’re all
my imaginations.

Oh, how it breaks me
the whole of who I am
reminds my inability
to bear.

I’m cursed
cursed not to see life
not to hear her laughter
not to hear his voice
not to touch
not to share
a part of me.

For until my day
drops dead
my longing
shall forever remain
Mama’s unborn.