Chapter 1: They don't like breathing but they do it anyway.
This box is empty. Alone in this crowded room. A room full of conflicting and sadistic emotions. And yet apathy is here. The irony. I needed to get out from this box, with its empty corners and lifeless walls. This box is all I have, though. My parallel world from what is outside. My only shelter from the cruel shouts and the hurtful words that leave me out of breath and scarred. But come to think of it, I like this kind of pain. The kind of where you hear yourself whimper and agonize like a shell has been shot thru your throat. And yet, I am alive when I feel that kind of pain. I sing songs of hatred and cruelty when I feel hatred and cruelty. I hear myself singing them unconsciously perhaps 'cause I just see myself thumping to the rhythm and beats; to the music and lyrics.
I just sit here, anyway, waiting for the solstice moon to bathe me with her light. I sit tugging my knees, my chin wedged between 'em. My stomach is lurching with the smell of vomit in my mouth. It reeks of vomit and piss here, I reckon. If you have imagined what heaven would be, you might've not thought of this place, so far from this place. I can't even bare to call it hell.
Any minute now, someone's gonna peep into this box. I gotta hide myself from them. I don't want them to see me inside. They might force me to come out or worse, they might persuade me to. I'd rather be forced than persuaded. Because by then, I know I still have my beliefs and fears and principles perhaps than be persuaded by other people's beliefs and fears and principles. I don't wanna change for them. If I am going to change, I am going to change my mind not because of them but because of me.
I have been looking for my blade for sometime now, maybe weeks. That blade has been keeping me alive for as long as I am here inside this box, and now it's lost. See, that blade was given to me by a lovely lady when I was out there, with them, y'know?
Ah that lady! How could I forget her. She was the reason I died. She was the reason I am in this ol' empty box. That lady was insane. I used to like her. No, make that used to love her. She was one hell of a lady, yes. Hahaha! So I killed her. I pushed that blade through her body a hundred times, maybe a thousand. She was smiling at me when I did that, so I knew she was liking it. As we both watched the life flow out of her body in the form of some scarlet red fluid and her once bright blue grey eyes went from colorless to blank in a matter of seconds, I knew then that I had died too. Yes, I killed her but I was the one who died. I stared at her lifeless rigid body like a mother looking at her newborn baby for the first time. I picked the blade and washed the scarlet red fluid that have come out of her body from the free-flowing water from faucet . I went out of her house and straight into this box. I have been here since. Oh, how could I forget her!
I hear someone. It's becoming nearer every second. Shouts of laughter and joy. Steps slowly picking up speed. He was running towards my empty box. Who was that? How dare He laugh out loud like that. Wait, it's not coming from the outside. I hear Him here with me, inside this empty box but me. What the fuck?! Am I growing insane? This is not a disillusionment. Slowly fading, I close my eyes just to shut His laughter. I can understand the mockery in that laughter. I've heard that sort before. I closed my eyes tighter now. I recognize the sarcasm and the mockery in His laughter. See, I am not that dumb. They knew I wasn't dumb. They fuckin' knew and yet they treated me like maggots masticating on her carcass. That's why I am inside this empty box. A box so empty but me.
I slammed my ears shut. The laughters are gone by now. But I can hear people whispering. I heard one kid mention my name. I haven't heard my name before, but I knew that was my name he mentioned. They were talking about me. I opened my left eye and slipped my sight thru one of the many gashes from this box. Perhaps it's already dark outside 'cause I can't see any light seething thru from the many gashes of this empty box. I am still in this fetal position when I first came here. Hugging close my knees to my body, my head crouched and my feet cold. I'm sweating but it's cold. I am numb from this chill effect of this fear. I haven't mentioned that fear before and I will tell you about it now.
This happened after I entered her room. I was holding something but I forgot what it's called. They are colorful things with like feathers and stuff about them. They smell of putrid perfume now that I realize it. But those were supposedly to be given only to your lady-love. Or so they say. Or I thought it was. But anyway… I forgot the reason why I was there in front of her door that day, forgive me for that, I seem to have lost a lot of memories since I was in this empty box. I pushed ajar the knob on that door and it creaked open. She was there seemingly waiting for me almost smiling as I walked past an ugly vase, I felt like I was taking forever to reach her. I can taste the air coming from her. It was putrid like the ones I was holding. It reeks all over. Finally I held her hand. My heart began to race, throbbing twice as hard and thrice as fast. I felt like it was going to explode out of my throat. She was murmuring, almost whispering something; words spilling like water from an overflowing basin. That's when I saw it. Fear. Her eyes speak of it, her tongue constantly mutter it and her hair swaying it. Fear. I have heard of people speak of His name before like gossip but I haven't knew Him till then; I haven't seen Him then. Boy, He was one ugly motherfucker, that Fear! He looked almost human; almost kinda like. . . Me.
You may have known by now what have happened next.
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