Last week, I was whining about being an alien in my Graph Theory class. Last Saturday, I felt not much alienated in my Geometry class even though they were talking about coplanar and collinear stuff. Maybe because I got interested in the postulates our professor was discussing. I found them a good topic for my blog.

Ain't that nice?

Oh well, it was almost a month since I posted my blessings. Not because I can't recognize the grace of the Lord pouring down on me but because I was busy whining. That's too bad of me!

Now I realized my disgrace. I am turning my challenge into a blessing.

Like what I have said, I found Geometry a little like my Graph Theory class. The postulates were stated so inspiringly that I nearly clasp my hands and sigh, "Can't wait to blog!!!"

But what are Geometric Postulates?

Well, postulates are statements accepted as true. There is no need for us to prove. It's like a law in Science compared to that of a theory or a concept.

We have learned five postulates and here are they with my every realization attached herewith:

Postulate 1: Space contains at least four non-coplanar, non-collinear points. A plane contains at least three non-collinear points. A line contains at least two non-collinear points.

Realization: Each of us, human and animals and all of God's creation belong to a space in this universe. God has set forth a plan, a scale unique for each one of us. We may not be alike, moreso, we have great variations, but four of us gathered all together can form a space worth a majestic view of kaleidoscope. Three of us can make a plane with equal beauty. Two of us may create a point we can call friendship; which of course may be our source of happiness and contentment and peace and love and everything nice.

Postulate 2: Two points are contained in one and only one line.

Realization: You and I, as we connect belong to one and the same wavelength. This is the energy that binds our hopes and dreams. Whatever that is, I believe in the magic of the cosmos.

Postulate 3: Three non-collinear points are contained in one and only one plane.

Realization: God has a plan. It is not true that it takes two to Tango. In life, I believe that there should be the mythical three so that every dream would come true. Who are these three? It should be You, I and God. Always making the Creator the center of our lives.

Postulate 4: If two points are contained in a plane, then the lines joining these points is contained in a plane.

Realization: This is a confirmation of the previous postulates. When you and I connect and God is with us, everything shall fall into place. It cannot be that when our intentions are good, our dreams will collapse alongside a simple snap of a finger, because we are inside God's ordained plane.

Postulate 5: If two planes intersect, then their intersection is a line.

Realization: People are for people. People are for animals. People are for all of God's creation. We don't stand alone. We interact. We connect. We intersect. Thus, we all belong in one and only one line – God's line, the Cosmos.

These are the wonders I have realized in my Math class.

Now, I need not whine but thank God for the new horizon He has opened up for me.

The challenge?

To write a blog after every Saturday class.

Geeeezzzz!!! I'm just kidding.

My challenge is to accept the challenge and make every shadowy figure come in colorful hues of graphical representations for life is a compilation of mysterious but beautiful (and worth thanking) figures – literally and figuratively speaking.

Have a blessed week everyone!!!

Geeeez… I still have the jitters of workload all piled up on our counseling cubicles. For one, accreditation is nigh. Then we have the annual Teachers’ Evaluation. December, we have Enrolment Promotions. All these at the side dish for our main menu – 100% counseling of students with follow-up and thorough completion of their Guidance Record Forms. Oh well, let me add a written report for every counseling session aside from the anecdotal documentation of some cases.

Then of course, I have this MA in SpEd to attend to, minor in Math which I claim to be my waterloo, but unfortunately, I have to live by and with it for the rest of I don’t know until when so that I am able to increase my marketability for my great American dream. Not that I am anti-Filipino, but because I love the Philippines I want to have my homecoming soon after I have earned enough fortune for me to build a school for kids with special needs – for my Filipino family. You know… great dreams!!!

But I must admit, last Saturday, I was in total mess. I wanted to run to the Graduate College Dean and hand her my class card and shout directly at her face, “Hey, I’m quitting!!!” or maybe, “Girl, I’m dropping-out!!!” or simply put it, “I think I’m dead meat!!!”

You know the feeling of being in a room where everybody knows everybody and everyone knows what they are talking about while you look so terribly dumb in a corner by yourself where all the jargons you are hearing for the first time are simply put on your face yelling at you, “Get the hell out of here, you alien!!!”

Hey, that is what I felt in that little room in my Math class. Graph Theory. Hell! This was my first time ever to know there is some theory about graphs. I encountered a number of graphs in my Statistics class, but never discussed Eulerian G and D or Hamitorian G and D (whatever these mean?).

And for a little application on our first meeting, we had a seatwork which ended up to be our assignment and ended to be my burden that ended up as my topic in this blog. To share my little problem (that is!!!), here’s a sample of the Problem Set I brought home to answer:

1. Floramel has invited Noemi, Lucila, Jodi and Patricia to her apartment for lunch. She has prepared four sandwiches for them in advance, namely ham, bacon, tuna and chicken salad. Noemi likes tuna and chicken salad, and Lucila prefers ham and chicken salad. Furthermore, Jodi likes bacon and tuna salad, while Patricia enjoys ham and bacon. Can all four have a sandwich they like?

2. Draw the graph G with vertex set {u, v, w, x, y, z} and edge set {uw, wz, vw, wx, wy, wz, xz, yz}. What are the order and size of G?

3. A Chemist wishes to ship the chemicals A, B, C, D, E, F and X using as few containers as possible. Certain chemicals cannot be shipped in the same container since they will react with each other. In particular, any two of the chemicals A, B, C and X react with each other. Furthermore, A and B both react with F and D. Describe a graph that models these relation between the chemicals. Use this graph to find the minimum number of containers needed to ship the chemicals.

4. Janet plans to invite her friends Alex, Bert, Cindy and Dave to dinner. Alex, Bert and Dave all know Cindy. Construct the acquaintance graph of this group of people (which includes Janet) and use it to determine whether the people can be seated around a table so that every two neighbors are acquainted. What is the order and size of this acquaintance graph?

5. Construct a graph of order 5 whose vertices have degrees 1, 2, 2, 3, 4. What is the size of this graph?

6. a. Construct a n r-regular graph of order 8 for each, 0 < r < 8.
b. Determine the complement of each graph constructed in (a).



Now, ain’t that cool stuff!!?!!

Does the above table look so familiar?

You're quite right then.

The table above is the summary of my subjects and schedule for this semester. To those who might have followed my previous entries, I might as well feed the answer to your question: "Why Math? I thought you're going to take up Science?"

So I thought, too.

I have already decided… firmly (so I thought, too, again!) But after checking the battery of tests I have undergone myself in my Psychological Assessment class last semester, having interpreted it and pondered on it, accompanied by my brother's opinion, I have changed my mind… to the last minute.

How many minutes?

Well, just enough for me to knock and enter the room of the university's Associate Dean last Saturday.

My test result?

Well, let me support first my prose with my grades in college and graduate school. My College Algebra was 86, lower than my 87 grade in Biological Science; but my Statistics with Demography was 88 (I was even exempted in my final exam because our Prof promised that whoever can perfect the long test she gave will be exempted… and I perfected the test!), far higher than my Zoology lec and lab grade of 82 and my Physical Sciences of 72 (damn that Prof in Physics!); I had 89 in my Applied Mathematics while I had 78 in my Anatomy and Physiology lec and lab; I had 86 in my Inferential Statistics while I had 81 in my Inorganic Chemistry lec and lab; I had 82 and 85 in my Psychometrics I and 2 respectively and 86 in Taxation; I was able to have a grade of 1.25 in Psychological Testing, Statistics in Education and Methods of Research which is equivalent to 94-96; and of course, my thesis had a grade of 1.50 or 93, which I can proudly say that every painstaking detail of my Statistical treatment was scrutinized by no other person but me.

Do I sound bragging? Hope not! I am just proud of the fruits of my sacrifices.

As for the test result:

My Aptitude test told me I am better in Mathematics than in Science. My IQ Test told me I am good in Non-Verbal Analogy. My Interest test also asserted that I have an inclination to numbers.

Now tell me, was I wrong in my decision?

I have decided. I have six units this semester. I will take another nine this summer while having my Graduate Seminar in SPED. I will take another six in the first semester of school year 2008-2009 in addition with my Thesis 1 and Comprehensive Exam. Another six for the second semester with my Thesis 2. Hopefully in 2009, I shall graduate from another MA degree, this time in Special Education with a minor in Mathematics. And next school year, hopefully again, I will be able to seek a teaching job from a respected school like my present school. Degrees. Experience. Increasing my chances for the US.

But do I really like to go to the US?

Of course I do.  Actually, I want to travel around the world. Visit Paris and even Istanbul. But to work there as a teacher, well, I'm not quite sure.

But I really want to earn enough money to build my own school for children with special needs. And the only way I can do that is to go to the US and teach there. I can't be a nurse! The more that I don't want to be a nurse!

But then again, as I am thinking over my plans, there is this part of me that doesn't like to get to the finish line.

There were two things that prevent us from achieving our dreams; believing them to be impossible or seeing those dreams made possible by some sudden turn of the wheel of fortune, when you least expected it. For at that moment, all our fears suddenly surface: the fear of setting off along a road heading who knows where, the fear of a life full of new challenges, the fear of losing forever everything that is familiar.

These were the thoughts of Chantal Prym when she was deciding whether to continue battling with her Evil and take the side of her Good by not running away with the gold bar.

And I think this too is my story and everyone else's.

At the back of my mind, I am not also fully convinced if I can really put up my own school. I am afraid to take responsibility. But I want to help. I want to initiate some changes in this side of my town which I love so dearly but seem to have been laid back by economic advancements and positive technology.

I am also afraid to take the plunge because I know I am leaving something I have loved and worked for in the last thirteen years. Testing and Counseling is what I am good at. Though I know teaching is not too far from my chosen profession, I still have hesitations whether or not I can be effective.

And yes, I am terrorized by the thought of setting foot in a foreign land where in the first few months, I don't have my family with me, that is, Ronald and Beatrice and Gabrielle.

I fear of setting off along a road heading who knows where, I fear of a life full of new challenges, I fear of losing forever everything that is familiar.

But I have changed my life with a flick of my pen last Saturday by choosing Mathematics over Science. I just hope my decision would suit me and would be kind to me. I just hope my decision would bring me to my dreams. I hope against all hopes that my decision can build a school for kids close to my heart.

First, I was dying to finish elementary and be a teenager… a high school bopper. Then I was dying to finish high school and start college. And then I was dying to finish college and start working. And then I was dying to marry and have children. And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough for school so I could have more time for myself. And then I was dying to retire. And now, I am dying… And suddenly I realized I forgot to live.

This was just a text message from an old friend of which has caught my writing interest. I pondered on it for a while. And not just saved it on "My folders" menu but copied it a couple of times on separate notebooks. It's not that I have fetish for such (just a sort of…) but I find it as a good material for analysis… introspection… meditation… or call it self-reflection… heart-examination… and soul searching. Or it was just mere foresight that I am now to use it to share something good and of value with you today… on my blog… while I myself undergo what I usually tell my clients: "Reflect!"

Yes, I am reflecting… as always. Reading what nature wants to tell me, pretending to be a real alchemist, that is. Perhaps, it's just my imagination. Or worst, my hallucination – that I was brought here by the tides of time for some purpose. Like some cosmic conspiracy as I have always believed in.

I'm about to finish reading The Devil and Miss Prym by Coelho. And I realized, I don't have the expertise of Berta who can understand the signs nature brings or can talk to a dead love one warning me what omens are on their way.

Last Friday, I watched with the luxury of time the long break from school provided The Pursuit of Happyness casted by Will Smith. I may not have shed a tear, but only God knows how my heart broke as the episode unfolds. Whether the movie was right or not; or happiness is spelled with an "i" or "y"; or happiness should really be pursued or not, I find myself that part of Chris Gardener's life as being true for me – "Running!"

A couple of weeks ago, I received a forwarded mail from my Uncle Albert whose in the US. I had no time to open the attachment though because it was 2.5MB long. I saved it until last night. Got hit by a railway truck a hundredfold. Because the content goes:

(Note: As for Miss Prym and the movie, I'll save that for another entry tomorrow. Or next week.)

We convince ourselves that life will be better once we are married, have a baby, then another.

Then we get frustrated because our children are not old enough, and all will be well when they are older.

Then we are frustrated because they reach adolescence and we must deal with them. Surely, we'll be happier when they grow out from the teen years.

We tell ourselves, our life will be better when our spouses gets his/her act together, when we have a nicer car, when we can take a vacation whenever and wherever we would like to, when we finally retire.

The truth is, there is no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be full of challenges. It is better to admit as much and to decide to be happy in spite of it all.

For the longest time, it seemed that life was about to start. Real life. But there were always some obstacles along the way, an ordeal to get through, some work to be finished, some time to be given, a bill to be paid. Then life would start. I finally came to understand that those obstacles were life.

That point of view helped me see that these isn't any road to happiness. Happiness IS the road.

So enjoy every moment. Stop waiting for school to end, for a return to school, to lose ten pounds, to gain ten pounds, for work to begin, to get married, for Friday evening, for Sunday morning, waiting for a new car, for your mortgage to be paid off, for spring, for summer, for fall, for winter, for the first or fifteenth of the month, for your song to be played on the radio, to die, to be reborn… before deciding to be happy.

"Happiness is a voyage, not a destination. There is no better time to be happy than… NOW! Live and enjoy the moment."

-         Author unknown

This is just half of the whole 2.5MB message from my uncle. But I will cut it from here. I will head on for another reflection. But as of the moment, this is my struggle.

I am seeing right before my very senses the fight happening between my good and my evil. Of which I would feed, I know would win. And I'm not sure, in this time of my life, which am I feeding.

As I read all over my notebook of quotes the text message from my friend, I feel something within me dies.

When I turn page by page Coelho's book, I can sense something in me is invigorated.

As I concentrated watching Gardener's life, that something inside me is aroused – one with pride, the other with loathing.

While I wrote Uncle's message in my blank sheet, an impression begins to stir in the deepest recesses of my being.

And even as I tap the keyboard of my pc for this entry, the uproar within me persists.

Until when?

I'm not sure.

And so thus, my REFLECTION continues…

Your confidence and your sense of mastery depend a great deal on how you react to threats made by others.

A threat leads to nothing if it is not accepted. In fighting the good fight, you should not forget that. Just as you should never forget that both attacking and fleeing are part of the fight. What isn't a part of the fight is becoming paralyzed by fear.

- Petrus, The Pilgrimage

  By Paulo Coelho

Perhaps by now you know how gradual I read the current book under my perusal. Like what I have said, I lack the luxury of time no matter how much I wish I could move on to the next book in my reading list. But I find this pace more advantageous. I mean, I have all the time (Now that may sound ironic!) to contemplate after every chapter how I could relate it to my personal experiences. And I am one hell of a lucky person because my every fall has some Coelho line or two that would retrieve my dampened spirit back to its struggle and back to my reality.

And a while back, inside the bus on my way to work (as usual), I have come across with the above lines.   And so I went on with my contemplation as I integrate it with the lines I have posted last Saturday.

I admitted I was envious in some ways to what my friends have achieved. Well, that is how I interpreted my feelings. But my introspection told me I was not necessarily envious with their achievement, because for a fact, I have my little own, too, but I was more focused on the earthly wealth those achievements suggest.

My envy is instigated by other people. But it all boils down to the fact that this envy is a threat to my confidence and sense of mastery to conquer my dreams.

Yes, I too felt fear. Fear of not being able to conquer my devil. Fear of not achieving the expectations I have set for myself, not just the dreams I have fantasized in my mind which I vocally expressed but also the plans I have weaved for my kids and my family. Fear of not being able to be who I was purposely born for. And fear of many other unknown faces of my existence, my devils.

And these fears made me so insecure of my ability to achieve and even doubt my potential to be. But thanks to Petrus who told Paulo not to be paralyzed by his fear. I too would take his word that I should not be paralyzed by these fears. Even if Petrus might laugh at me if he would come across this blog (Umasa ba?) and he would repeat to me the same lines he told Paulo with the presence of the nun. To those who have read The Pilgrimage, I know that you know too well what I am referring to, but to those who haven't, let me just quote Petrus' lines (even this may fail to encapsulate the whole scenario):

"…When you sensed the presence of something positive, your imagination concluded that someone had arrived to help you. And this, your faith, saved you. Even though it was based on an assumption that was absolutely false."

I seem to be that. I assume, as Petrus and others may perceive that the lines I read from The Pilgrimage are directly and intentionally for me because of my experiences at the moment. I just do hope, my faith in Petrus' lines would redeem me like Paulo from the calls of evil.

Ah! Life space. I interpret the things around me as some conspiracy designed by the cosmic powers that travails my hemisphere. Argh! Poetic? Nah! I'm just playing with words… again.

Like I have said, blogging is cathartic for me. This is my avenue for expression. At the same time my way of negating the ill feelings I start to sense building within me. Actually too, I have sought the help of an expert about my feelings of envy. I was a bit pacified because she said that these feelings arise as part of human nature. It is not wrong. It only becomes wicked when my envy eats up my sanity and I devise devilish schemes to kill my source of envy not by knives though but by the power of my words. In Filipino slang, chismis or paninirang-puri (fabrication of issues to dehumanize others); which I am not capable of.

And let me go back to blogging. Aside from its cathartic effect on me, it also gives me a sense of fulfillment because I am able to share a part of who I am to people I actually do not know and inspire them (as they claim) in more ways than one. And just last week, I forgot to mention may be because my envy then was guzzling me up, Nice (a reader and blog visitor) told me that my entry "I am a Certified Bookworm" was posted by Paulo Coelho himself in his blogsite http://paulocoelho.com and she too appreciated the booklist I presented along with another blog visitor.

Imagine how euphoric I was! The renowned Bestselling Author of The Alchemist among all others actually visited my site and skim read a few of my entries (I presume because the entry he posted was not the day's recent post and to the bloggers, you know what that means) and chose to post in his site a simple prose written by an aspiring writer like me. And so after checking my entry on Coelho's site (News section, now in the Archives), I got to have that sense of achievement. My enthusiasm in writing was ablazed even more.

Yeah! This is what I am driving at. The fight I am fighting is not seeking achievement with material compensation. My fight is to experience the love that consumes. Agape.

Now it has become clearer to me as I write this blog and integrate my recent analysis to previous stored introspections in my memory bank, that my devil is not a dog with many faces but money and the power and prestige it promises. If you may recall with me, the reason why my American dream was born was because of my need to help those who have helped us during Mama's suffering. My purpose was to finance my dream to build a school for children with special needs who are growing in number in our locality but has no facilities to provide them with the quality intervention they deserve. My reason too was to get myself back to school (with my kids of course going to the best schools) and finish a degree in Clinical Psychology and be an author of books in Psychology and stuff that could give life more meaning for people.

Rationalizing?

I may be. Yes I am. But it is only through seeking your own reality and questioning your own intentions that you can give more meaning, deeper that is, to your own existence.

So be it…

Which kind of love are you talking about: eros, philos or agape?

Eros is the usual love that exists between two people.

Philos is love in friendships. It is also that love felt when the flame of eros stopped burning between couples and still they stick together.

While agape is the love that consumes. And this may be experienced in the form of enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm meant trance or ecstacy -- a connection with God. Enthusiasm is agape directed at a particular idea or a specific thing. We have all experienced it. When we love and believe from the bottom of our heart, we feel ourselves to be stronger than anyone in the world, and we feel a serenity that is based on the certainty that nothing can shake our faith.

- Petrus, The Pilgrimage

I was very vocal in my past entries how disillusioned I was after attending that seminar for aspiring teachers to the US. It seemed to me that all of my hopes and dreams all crumbled to my feet like some quivering protoplasm withdrawn from its source of nurturance.

The more disheartened I was after a week when my friend called me up telling me she received a call from the agency to attend the orientation for interview. This just meant that she has some chances I didn't have to get an interview from some prospective employers. Another fact: She didn't attend the seminar. I only fed her the details. That pulled the trigger of disillusionment right on my head.

The week after, another friend who is already in the US e-mailed me she has already paid that debt she had in a bank just to go to the US. Next month, she might have a car. This December, she might come home for vacation. Envy? Yeah, right that you are. Envy consumed that little hope I have.

Last week, two friends e-mailed me. They said they are processing their US visa. Come next year, they might be spending the summer there. Good for them, eh?!

Last night, with all the failures I directed to myself, I asked my husband, "What would be our resort if in case I won't be getting a job in the US?"

He answered with a grin on his face, "Well, honey, I don't have any idea. Actually, I don't ever think about it. Believe me, you will get that job you want."

Nice push!

My brother also texted me, "If it will happen, it will happen. Don't be so hard on yourself."

Am I being hard on myself?

This morning, in my way to graduate college, I brought out The Pilgrimage (I honestly haven't finish reading the book yet. This is my third week, I guess. I don't really have the luxury of time to finish the book. I only read it inside the bus to my way to work and home and school.) and went on reading as usual inside the moving vehicle.

Then I reached the agape thing. Then enthusiasm. Then that page on regaining enthusiasm. Then the Blue Sphere Exercise. The moving bus didn't stop me from feeling the blue waves strike my system. The noisy people that moves about in the bus didn't mean a thing. That spark was there. Playing in my mind. Getting through my veins.

To those who have read the book, they know what I am talking about. I mean, it seemed the whole world stopped with the lines as I read them. The words are so powerful that my imagination worked with every description. And I seem to actually experience that blue sphere consuming my being.

The driver's yell dragged me back to reality. And I promised to myself, I shall perform the exercise. My only problem now is: With whom?

Nah!

Disheartenment is failure to see the importance of your struggle. I feel some degree of shame. I thought I was fighting the good fight. But I wasn't. I am not. Because I still haven't searched that substance that will keep my dream from sparkling even in the midst of darkness.

Indeed, I am a pilgrim... still searching for purpose and meaning.

What is there behind my US dreams?

Wealth?

Pristege?

Power?

All seem so earthly for me.

Ah! Blogging even gives me more meaning because my realizations I am able to express in words and share to people, touch them in some way even when we move in different planes.

Life space?

Yeah, move about in different life spaces.

Sour graping?

Sweet lemoning? (If there seems to be a term.)

I hope not. I am just expressing my thoughts... for now.

Time flies so fast. As I have recollected with you, my American dream was born in 2005. I started from scratch. I only had an ounce of hope. But I pursued. I may not still be in the US but I am struggling like many others.

I started reading The Pilgrimage I think a couple of weeks ago and haven't finished the book yet because of too much work load -- as a Counselor and as a student. Idagdag pa diyan ang pagiging wify ko at momma-my sa two girls ko na super sa kakulitan (the source of my profoundest hormonal joy) pero malalambing at matatalino at cutie (kagaya ko... hope Ronald won't be able to read this!). So I am not ready to post an entry for my Bookworm Review, though a line... I mean lines, have caught my attention. Sabagay, halos ng binabasa ko ay puro pinadungis ng highlighter dahil mahilig akong mag-emphasize ng mga magaganda at meaningful lines sa mga binabasa ko (liban sa hiniram kong book kay Mamita) at lahat ng corners ay may sulat. "Letra lang ang walang latay" kumbaga dahil kapag sumasang-ayon ako sa nabasa ko, nag-leave ako ng comment. Pati kapag taliwas sa paniniwala ko ay nag-disagree din ako at ipinapamukha ko sa author ng librong binabasa ko ang mali sa point niya... though sa book ko lang naman ipinararating. Diddums!

And before I say more than you can bear, here is the line from the book that I thought applied to my own journey, struggle... my pilgrimage in life.

-- Petrus and Paulo started their Pilgrimage to the Road to San Tiago in search of Paulo's sword (whatever that is, it's for me to read pa). They crossed the Pyrenees in six days which could have only been travelled in a day. The distance from their point of origin to their destination is only seventeen kilometers. Petrus just pulled off Paulo in different routes to teach him a lesson. And this applied to me. And perhaps with you, too. Paulo didn't notice such because Petrus said, "The only thing that existed was your desire to arrive at your goal."

Petrus added, "When you are moving toward an objective, it is very important to pay attention to the road. It is the road that teaches us the best way to get there, and the road enriches us as we walk its length. And it is the same thing when you have an objective in your life. It will turn out to be better or worse depending on the route you choose to reach it and the way you negotiate that route."

Petrus is right, right?

Sometimes, we are too pre-occupied with our goals in life that it is the only thing that matters to us. We fail to see the road we take... the beauty in every experience and the relationships we build. I think this is what caught me most. As I journey, there at times I set aside some things I think are trivial but in the long run, I find myself getting mad at myself, saying, "Bakit ba hindi ko nakita iyon?" When it is but just common sense that I should have seen it or done this and that. But because my focus is the future, I forgot to consider the here and now... which is not just as equally important, but most important because this is what dictates the outcome of that future you are looking forward to and desiring to have.

In some ways, the road I chose to reach my objective is NOT forced. Every opportunity came my way. Every situation I find myself into is to my advantage. I grabbed them and savoured them with much enthusiasm. I went back to school. Finished some of the subjects but I never absent from class even the lessons are familiar. Every quiz and exam, I reviewed like they were the first time. They said I can just ask my professors to consider me as a refresher student, but I did not. I reported in class, submitted requirements on time and took my exams like everybody else. Special considerations? Nah! I hate those stuff! I want to earn every unit with my own effort. With that, I did not just earn the respect of my professors (good grades included) but also friends. If I frquently absent in class, would I have this kind of bond with my co-SpEd majors? I doubt it!

In my pilgrimage, I also became closer to my colleagues in school since we now share the same secrets. Hahahaha!!!

In my struggle, I have also nurtured my relationship with my aunts (father side), of whom I can say was never like this when Papa was still alive. We e-mail every now and then. They send my kids goodies and got some pairs of shoes. Diddums! But aside from that, the connection between us did not fade in the absence of my father, mas tumibay pa nga.

In my journey, I have proven my Ronald's love and support in all my undertakings (kasi daw sabi niya makikinabang siya sa dolyar! jokingly though!). My family, my brother Yamoj na talaga namang spoiled ako.

And lastly, my Creator, who provides me the eye to read amongst my pilgrimage His signs. Hope I understand them correctly. Thank you great Father for your gift of ME. I have known myself better through others -- what I am capable to do and achieve and what I am not destined to be.

Indeed the roads we travel are as important as our goals... even much more because they show us who we are and teach us the right path to that dream.

Hail to Thee!!!

things will turn out well...

i am not in place to give encouragement for i have not followed what i always wanted...

but this i tell you ma'am...

shoot for the star!

-rai

Rai is one among the first graduates I have as a counselor at CKC. I didn't know she was following my blogs until she left a comment on one of my entries -- CABAnata 5: Divine Intervention and I'm quite inspired by her words.

I have always wanted to be a Counselor. I also wanted to pursue a degree in Clinical Psychology. I got married. Had children. I remained devoted to my vocation. In addition though, I was driven by the tides to what they call Special Education.

I tutored a child with autism. Then a child with mental retardation. Then came another child with autism. Then with a learning disability. Then with partial deafness. Until they grew in number. They came and they went. But all of them left an imprint in my life.

Then I finished my MA in Guidance and Counseling. Then a stupid Guidance and Counseling Act which had taken for granted my Master's degree and my nine years as a counselor. Would I take the Board Exam? I'm not decided yet.

Then opportunities poured. I grab each one with enthusiasm... with much hope in my heart that I may remain loyal in the profession I chose and be more than what I can imagine I could be. Perfectionist? No, I'm not. I just believe that if I was created in the image of God, then I can be whatever I want to be as long as I bear the goodness of intentions in my heart.

I don't want to just look up to the sky like what Vanessa and I usually do. I want to be one among the stars... giving light to many. Inspiring.

Have you; even for once in your life have experienced Divine intervention? Or have you tried challenging God to give you a sign especially so when you are at a verge of fear to decide on something, whether you are doing the right choice or not?

I have. Not just once but many times in my life.

Don't I feel ashamed of what I do because it is as if I am putting to the test the existence of a more powerful being than I am? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. Isn't it that even Jesus himself tried to seek a sign from the Father when his death was nearing but in the end, he humbly said, "Let thy will be done."?

And so that's what I do, too. I knock and I hope for a positive response from the Father to open His door for my intentions.

Why am I telling all these stuff?

It is because of that "Not so highly qualified!" thing I am still worried about. It really bothers me you know. It is as if my dreams and plans are evaporating into thin air before my very eyes. Even when I said I don't hope much and that I just let the opportunities come and grab them if they do, in my heart, I know that this is the only hope I have not to let my children experience the same conditions I had as a child, as a growing teenager, as a student, as an adult and as a mother. Whatever these are, they involve painful experiences (traumatic in more ways than one) with financial difficulties as a source of or an off-shoot to something and of something. Most Filipinos know what I am talking about. I need not expand.

Divine intervention. No doubt it is there. I only falter to believe its existence. But every now and then He reminds me He is just there.

Let me count the ways. The night before I left for Manila to attend the seminar, I had a dream. A little bit vague. It was my mother. I remembered my brother's line when I almost forgot Mama's birthday last September 11, her 51^st supposed to be. Yamoj said, Mama might visit me. In Tagalog, mumultuhin daw ako ni Mama. I shrugged away the thought. But indeed she did, not to scold me though, but to encourage me to pursue my dreams. How did I say that? In my dream I heard her (actually I said my dream was vague because I didn't really see her face, but I felt it was her because of the gentleness of her voice and the feel she left in my heart) telling me that I should not give up. And that I have to be patient, something to that effect. She also mentioned some numbers I wasn't sure of and what is it all about. If these numbers were lottery winning numbers or what?! Geeezzzzz!!! But some angel whispered me, it is a sign.

I woke up crying a bit and pushed through as planned without clarity whatsoever about my dream. Then again, while I was packing my things, my husband and I had a little disagreement on what I am going to wear (which I already mentioned in CBAnata 4). I said my casual jeans are okay but he wants me to wear something formal (which I later on followed, of course he won me out again with his arguments) because if I did, I wouldn't have a coat. Day before, I texted my aunt, borrowing a coat of cream, black or brown hues since the only slacks I have is of these shades. But unfortunately, she wasn't able to lend me one. Or so I thought. Because before I boarded the bus to Manila, their van was in front the bus and she was frantically waving the coat out the window. In short, I had a coat. I counted to myself, second sign.

While in the bus, I recalled my dream. Thinking my butt out what the numbers really meant. I even can't remember what numbers were mentioned though I know there were. Again, I heard a small voice playing in my head telling me that the numbers were seventeen (17) and four (4). "What are these?", I asked back, even more puzzled this time. Then the voice said (Hey, just a warning: I am NOT a lunatic!), "One year in preschool, six years in grade school, four years in high school, four years in college, two years in graduate school before you got married ("Before Mama died, too.", that was my mind butting in.), so that's equal to seventeen."

"Yeah right! How about the number four?"

The voice continued, "You continued your MA in Guidance and finished it in two years time and you have the next two years to finish your MA in SpEd."

I need not add. The voice inside me was right. Mama was right. I have gone a long way and spent much in my studies (at times sacrificing my time with my kids, I mean usually on Saturdays) that it is impractical for me to just drop my hope.

I whispered a million of gratitude to Him who sent the voice to talk me out of my discouragement. So I had two signs to lighten up my soul which was taken away from me too soon because of that "Not so highly qualified" thing I discussed with you earlier in my previous CABAnata.

When did the third sign come? It also came too soon than what I expected it to come.  Last Friday, a friend and I were talking about signs. Another friend was also telling me about "knock and it shall be opened" stuff. I obeyed them. I prayed and prayed. I kept on hoping. I was weaving plans in my head that seemed impossible. Again so I thought because my doubts were answered.

Last Saturday while waiting for a bus to bring me to graduate college, the university's associate dean who happened to reside in the same town as I do arrived at the bus station minutes away before I was to ride a bus, just enough to tell her my dilemma, and just enough, too for her to give suggestions on how to solve my problem.

She suggested I take up MA in Science Education in the same university the following semester. I will be majoring in SpEd (since I am about to finish this semester all the academic requirements for SpEd) and Science becomes my minor. As for the four subjects I was supposed (one of which I have taken last summer) to repeat (because I was starting a new curriculum), she suggested that I ask for re-evaluation and if it is possible, be converted to PhD subjects.

That's it! As easy as I felt pathetic, I regained hope in a minute or so. Third sign.

My weekend, I spent it contemplating. Thanking too for the opportunities that come. I'll grab them. I know these are for me. I hope they are (Some jarred isolated note of disheartenment, eh!).

Divine intervention. They don't just come as they please. They are always there. In little ways. In subtle ways. In big-bang ways. But they are always there. It is just up to us to open our eyes and hearts and souls to the power of His presence.

And so be it!

P.S.

I would also like to thank you my dear readers for journeying with me. Writing is where I release my anxiety, my tension, that I may, in some way achieve a sense of well-being, homeostasis in a more scientific term (no matter how temporary the palliative effect may be), but it is through the words I share you that I maintain my sanity and my being.

I am too anxious to be excited. Last week, I needed to keep myself busy about almost everything. From my reports in school, counseling schedules, Homeroom Guidance activities, preparation and proof-reading of just procured test materials for students and teachers, visualizing and making teaching aids for my demo teaching for my practicum, making reviewers for Bea for her unit test and all other stuff that has nothing to do of acknowledging the source of my anxiety, that is, attending the seminar-evaluation on potential teachers to the US at the Intercontinental Hotel.

Yes! I was so damn good hiding my anxiety that most of the people around me seem so sure I was confident I can make it. I am confident. Yes I am. I am confident that I have inadequacies in the requirements for hiring. I am confident that there are certain criteria I cannot meet. And yes, there really was. That added up to my anxiety.

Last Sunday during the seminar, I got so pre-occupied of mixed feelings that fully enveloped me from the tip of my toe nails to the farthest end of my hair. First, I worried on what to wear. I had a dilemma whether to use casual jeans or wear a coat and some formal stuff. I worried on what time to wake up and where to get my ride. I worried on how to deal with the people around the hall, the organizers and the participants. I worried whether I could make it or pass the evaluation.

By golly! I have everything to worry about.

The form was given to us. The facilitator said, we fill up every detail with accuracy. I went over first on the checklist for "highly qualified". And it said:

1. 18 education units : check
2. at least 3 years teaching experience : check
3. student teaching/practicum : not sure (regular student teaching unit is 6, while I only have 3 units)
4. currently teaching : not sure (I am not certain whether my Homeroom Guidance is accepted as teaching immersion as well as my tutorial: negotiable?)
5. 30 units subject area : what area? (SPED? I already have more than 30 units. Math? Science? Argh!)

In summary, I am NOT highly qualified!

Am I vindicated with my anxiety?

Yes, I am.

No doubt!

Could my anxiety make me more qualified?

Nah-ah!

It could kill me.

Yes it can.

I'm dead meat!

My cousin told me, "Break a leg!"

Yeah, right!

I broke that little hope in me.

Yeah, I'm dead meat!