by JT Keller
June 9th, 2020, as I roll out of bed, awakened by the soothing tone of Emperor Soetoro's voice. First, I wipe the sweat from my brow, and take the sheets off the bed (they have to be washed every day, since it is so darn hot in the house). I look at the thermostat (it says 85f). Jeepers, is that right. So, I turn on the air conditioner, suddenly hearing a loud voice telling me that I am in violation of Article I, section 3, paragraph 4, of the Green Statutes passed by the greatest congress ever (the 111th) in June of 2009. The voice yammers on, it is that of the greatest speaker of the house in United Socialist States history (Nancy Pelosi). Sounds kind of like she forgot to put her dentures in.
Madam Precious tells me that I will be subject to fines in the amount of 2 trillion (United Socialist Dollars) per degree below 85 that the thermostat falls. The Socialist dollar trades at 1.7654 Billion to the Euro. Sorry, Madam Precious the sweat really doesn't bother me. What was I thinking. We want to make sure that the Chinese have plenty of energy, and we certainly wouldn't want to harm the environment.
I have my cup of decaf coffee (regular coffee was outlawed by 111th congress too). I gaze upon my brown, weed infested lawn (sorry, the Green Statutes limit water usage to 35 liters per day (the British system of measurement was outlawed by the 111th congress too). I sponge the top layer of filth off my body (water usage), can't shave (water restrictions, already heard the speaker once today, don't want to upset her again).
My beard is just over two feet long now (scissors have been outlawed too, potential lethal weapon). Good grief it is hot. I put on my black and white striped suit (number 0u812), kiss my wife goodbye and fire up my Frankmobile. What a hotrod, it has a .00000000001 litre engine, goes from 0 to sixty in 30 minutes. On second thought, better walk, it's good for the health and even better for the environment. Besides, it only takes 4 hours to get to work. What a great job I have. My neighbors are so jealous. Everyone wants to make fortune cookies for the Chinese.
Job requirements are as follows: 3 PHD's, 6 Masters, and 12 Bachelors degrees, must have 12 years experience as an apprentice to a fortune cookie wrapper, beard length minimum 1 foot, must smell like a sow (pigs have been extinct for 11 years now, again the Green Statutes), must not have teeth (toothpaste was outlawed too, it was found to be environmentally unsafe, must be a registered member of the Obama Party. Hours are Monday through Sunday 6 am to 6pm, pay is 1 billion United Socialist Dollars per year. Darn, my knee hurts (I'm number 3.45 million on the waiting list just to see the doctor)......
God bless the United Socialist States of America. Hail to Emperor Obama!
Thank god for the 111th Congress, they saved this country from prosperity.
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