So many codes, clues, mind games that

we don't even know we are in them

Look at the Woman who bore you

Tattoed on her are expected sacrifices

Is she happy, does she have secret dreams?

She looks back with regrets

Look at the Man whose fluid

Helped create you, gave you his name

Did he enjoy his youth, want to climb a mountain?

When offsprings came, feet stayed on the ground

Look at the class clown

Joking around, bubbly

With that annoying all day smile

A parody, his life is a big lousy joke

Look at the prettiest girl on campus

Those long legs, that cleavage

Long, black, shiny hair. Luscious lips

Food, always flushed away with red teary eyes

Look at the popular jock

Drives the ladies crazy, counts them like sheep

Hail to the basketball team, ideal guy

Slams dunks a book, couldn't read

Look at the boy friend

With you since diaper days

You love him right?

Secretly  he loves make up too

Look at the girl friend

Says "I'll hook you up"

Boffs the guy she set up for you

Crying after for being a nympho slut

Look at the silent classmate

Teased, bullied every period

Strange clothes, funny smell

His mind echoes "I will kill you all"

Look at the common friend

Paid not much attention

Just to pay 1/4 of the drinks

Is in love with you for all eternity

Look at the older brother

Who called you crazy, unstable

Unprofessional for dating his sibling you dumped

Insecure since he relies on their father's wealth

Look at the mean professor

Insulting students, failing them

Secretly wears a thong

Picks up "meat" at night

Look at the crazy man

Inside the looney bin

Stares at you, answers wryly

Can solve any mathematical equations

Look at the person in front of you

Stares blankly, says nothing

Thoughts, worries

Is this all I work hard for?

Look at the person

Who is she?

Ends this by typing

The name of her favorite painter

Van Gogh

A friend once told me that a person upon being hurt is likened to a broken piece of glass. No matter how much you try to glue the pieces back together, the cracks will still be eminent and it will never be the same again.

Analyzing my life (which I always do, blame it on my psychology degree), I think I can be classified as a certified broken glass. The question is ,  I survived being shattered into a thousand pieces, then can I still be categorized as flawed? The thing is humans are given the will to choose; to lose the battle or fight the war intensely. Every single person on this planet is a broken glass. Some are just slightly broken, badly broken and others broken beyond recognition.

To exist means to find the right kind of "glue" to put the pieces together again. I found my "glue" when I finally embraced the fact that the past cannot be changed and to inhale deeply like it is going to be my last breath.

Broken pieces of glass, broken people; Pieces that can fit. Perhaps you can fathom that being broken does not mean being dead. Among the piles of shards of broken glass, you might find that missing piece to complete you again.

Having written these words, I can answer my own question. No, I may be a broken piece of glass but I am not flawed. I struggled to "glue" myself and here I am in one piece amidst all the imperfections.

To anyone who read this, it is not too late to "glue" thyself. Being broken is just one way of making you stronger than you think you are

I like rainbows

Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet

A special person in my life is a Rainbow

with different hues, feelings and a choice

To be different, to feel and love in another way

As a child, I enjoyed being his playmate

we spent hours playing with my dolls pretending they were models 

But as time passed, I was confused

People started asking me about him, why, when, how did it happen?

Then I shut off my world to him

To people who were curious about him because I was afraid

Afraid, scared to be not normal,

not to have the right answers

.......... Until..........

A guy took me out for dinner

He is a dream, had the looks, immense popularity

And a drop dead gorgeous face

In the middle of the main course

A rainbow man passed by and looked at him

He suddenly dropped his napkin and said

"I just lost my appetite, freaks of nature!"
"They are disgusting, filthy and should not have a place in this world"

I stood calmly and said I needed to go.

"You are so handsome, but you are filthier than the maggots in the trash. You are a pig, a hypocrite and you are quick to judge"

"My brother is Gay, If you have a problem with that, then I cannot have a relationship with you. He is far more of a man than you"

That was 9 years ago.

I am proud of him, I love him more as we get older

Now I tend to look out for him  more,

He looked out for me when I was finding my own identity

And now I fully support his rainbow choices

In my eyes, he will always be my brother

A kaleidoscope of rainbow colors

I met you during times when I was struggling

To find myself, to prove myself and to regain myself

You crush my hopes, drag me to the ground

And told me I can never do it

 

You came from the doubt of so many people

People I know, even love and care for

From their mouths came out the words

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

 

At times you get into my nerves

You annoy me, interrupting my pace

And I find myself becoming YOU

I say, "I can not do this anymore"

 

When I was young, I hate you

You were staple food

You made me cynical too

That things will change for the better

 

My life turned around, things were cool

I had so much but you were still there

Making me question

"Is this going to last?"

 

One person who sided with you

Said. "New York, you, impossible"

It hurt because I wanted it for him

But where is the impossibility now?

 

Many said I will never finish my degree

With a broken soul, you thought you broke me down

But no, I stood up and said

"I can and I will finish this one"

 

You hindered me one time

To love again, you said I was broken

Beyond Repair, unworthy of affection

But who is this wonderful man beside me?

 

Again, a task lies before me

A dream. a goal I would die for

To finish writing a book

I know you will try to get to me

 

You started already,I see you in many faces

But still, there are those who believe

That I can do it, I will do it

All I can say to you is "Doubt that I will never publish this book."

 

 

fleeting happiness and melancholy

In one's life there comes a moment
when you realize that the ONE
You have dreamed of all the time
is just beside you

It is ironic that you look so far
When the ONE who makes you happy
is just in front of you
But the second you wake up
It is now beyond reach

Beyond reach because you choose
Not being able to hold him
Is the truth
But to be with him
Even for a moment is more important
A wish that makes you return to childhood
where life is still perfect

In time you learned to love deeply
More than anything nor anyone
But you choose
Not to be reciprocated
For it destroys the essence
It gives away the magic

For in loving, one finds the answer
to countless questions
That the mind cannot provide
A reasonable phrase
Only the heart knows

We all have our fantasies
But some should stay forever
Almost all seem perfect
That the minute you possess it
It becomes an imperfection

It is inevitable that not all will be granted
But it is the wishing and dreaming
That makes life so sweet to behold
Dreams are made to keep us alive
And to have them means a bitter death

 The Color Periwinkle
I went to Manhattan Went to Circuit City I was eyeing a Video Camcorder On sale, a good price  

I look around for a sales person

I spotted a colored guy I asked nicely if he can help me

He retorted, "Everyone is Busy"

 I was snubbed, unattended and totally pissed

 I went to hunting mode and found another one

I said I needed help I used sign language because English is a barrier

He helped and I said thank you

I commended him in front of his supervisor

I was still fuming mad when I saw the same Gnome

Entertaining only customers who have his same color

Color of Periwinkle

He brushed off others

It fueled more my anger

I voiced out and pointed him out

As I exit the store

 I looked at him and said "I will never shop in this store again"

"You just lost a valued customer because you only see color"

 He said nothing for I was glaring at him

Penetrating through his bones

It is sad that many people of color

Fought for freedom and Equality

Free from prejudice

 But it is so ironic that they

Have becomes the Prejudicial

I do not like the Color Periwinkle

I hate the hues of resentment and isolation

Why Cant I be You?

It was a random day last week that I clicked on MTV. It was showing one of the episodes "Why Cant I be You?" It focused on a cheerleader who wanted to experience how it is to live as one of her gothic/ punk/ tattooed/ pierced schoolmate. She fits the stereotypical role of a cheerleader, too nice yet so boring. I liked the other person, beneath all that nose ring and heavy black eyeliner, she comes off as a sincere, unfazed and confident young person. The cheerleader had to be with her for 48 hours, dress like her, meet her friends and at the end, got a nose stud. I found it shallow but interesting, cheesy but manipulative and downright brutally honest. Honest to me since at times I wish I were living a different persons life.

Why cant I be Giselle Bundchen?

With those curves and hot body

Have a billion dollar contract with VS

Used to date Leonardo DiCaprio

But nah, I can t wear those heavy angel wings

Why cant I be Paris Hilton?

Get to date every young Greek tycoon every 2 weeks

Have an annoying dog named Tinkerbell, paid to party

My own sex video, get my phone stupidly stolen

Pass, I love my titties a lot plus my brain too

Why cant I be Nicole Richie?

Have a total body and wardrobe makeover

Call every girlfriend Hey Bitch!

Be in a fake simple life

Declined. I am more bulimic that the anorexic type

Why cant I be Beyonce?

With that bootylicious butt

Multi million recording contract

Dates music mogul Jay Z

No, I am too Asian and I cant gyrate on a chair

Why cant I be Donald Trump?

Gets married/ divorced a couple of times

Own half of Manhattans buildings

Gets to ogle at Ms. Universes candidates

Hell no! Id die if I have that hair

Why cant I be Bill Gates?

Wealthiest man on the planet

Started the high technology era

Owns a perfect computer generated mansion

Maybe, but I am too selfish to donate billions each year

Why cant I be Tom Cruise? Cruise Control

Overcame dyslexia, starred in MI 's but hasn't won an Oscar

Used to be with Nikole, but knocked up shallow Katie

Protests against medications, claims Science is everything

I refuse to jump on my expensive couch; I am on medication to lessen my manic signs

Why cant I be P. Diddy?

Dated J to the Lo, so rich, filthy rich

Have a bloated ego and gets away with it

Be the horrific ogre on "Making the Band 1/2/3.whatever"

Nope, I never had serious acne, never used Pro Active

Why cant I be Jessica Simpson?

Got the body, face hmmm, brains; no clue

Starred in a newlywed now newly divorced reality show

Rich by endorsing make up lines, acne, trying to sing

But I am way too smart to first sign a pre- nup

Why cant I be Simon Cowell?

Be able to roast hopeless American Idol wannabes

Annoy Paula which I would love to do

Foot in mouth cause Hicks won

Nope, I am not happy and I am not British

Why cant I be Tommy Mottola?

Married to Mariah who had a breakdown, a smashing comeback

Now married to Thalia, nice rack and waist! Voice, mediocre.

Owns one of the biggest music label co.

But I do not want to be called a Beast

Why cant I be Hillary Clinton?

Senator, maybe president

Nice wardrobe, well behaved daughter Chelsea

Have Bill for a husband whose dick got sucked

Pass, I love Gaps blue dress of course without the semen stain

Why cant I be Saddam Hussein?

Wreaked havoc in the Middle East, psychotic

Ruled Iraq mercilessly, got the oil

Caught in a hole but still on trial

Nope, I cant bear being enemies with Bush

Why cant I be Kim Jong II?

Build and store nuclear weapons

Have orgies in his tub

Star in his own "epic" movies

Nah, my level of insanity is way too low

Why cant I be Osama Bin Laden?

Responsible for 911, remains free

Hated by all Americans, loved for the "Jihad"

Sent video messages to the White House

Pass, I like world peace and the skyscrapers of NY

Why cant I be President Bush?

Brains ? Grammar? Sense?

Wasting US money for a senseless war

Sending troops to "fix" the situation

Fucking Big No!

Why cant I be Tommy Lee?

Used to fuck Pamela Anderson, great drummer

Went to a reality college show, rocking rich

Dangerous yet endearing, wild but so sexy

If only I can control that big, loooooooooong dick

Why cant I be this, that, whoever?

I am never satisfied

Much less very cynical

I think I will just be myself

An average Nyorker, can do ASL

Teach, play the DS, PS 2, X Box

Write, paint, burn not cook, say what I want to say

Be a total brat/bitch depending on the scenario

Without being a pain in the ass to humanity

. And maybe I can add more inches to my height, decrease inches on my waist, perfect eye vision, washboard abs,blah, blah, blah and keep my brain working...

 After an intense workout of Kinetic PS2 and followed up by an hour of Pilates, panting and cursing to reshape my body, I was aching to take a shower at long last. As I turned the knobs to calculate the right temperature of hot and cold, I found myself lost in the stream of the water going down the drain. I jumped inside and just let the water sliver down                    

   Like a blanket of comfort 

   A mask to hide my complex thoughts I formed a lather from a vanilla soap   

    Playing with it like a little kid 

     Blowing the bubbles into the air

      Suddenly I was scared to close my eyes 

      Got the irrational feeling of being engulfed by water I put my hands on the wall   

         and looked down as the gush of liquid falls on my face           

A feeling of serenity, a moment to take advantage of

I got too many things inside my head       

 That at times I tell it to stop          

But the telling leads to pleading then to reasoning then to..

As the cold water wakens my every sense         

 A flashback of memories evolved in my mind          

A past that was a tough one but taught me everything

 An almost forgotten love, the very first kiss, the one who got away         

 A time of getting totally drunk with friends          

And not knowing how to get home

 

          As the suds wash away, I thought to myself. Maybe, life is a constant shower routine 

        You get dirtied with pain, rejection and frustration

         But you can always wash it away        

         Letting each drop of unnecessary misery down the hole        

         Can be  liberating, letting joy remain after each wash

 I recall so many things as I closed my eyes         I surrendered to the power of water         Stayed in the tub like for eternity ......... Until I realize that I am all wrinkled up like a prune...... I stepped out of the shower wondering what dirt I will encounter tomorrow.

Most people will say that fairy tales connote love, triumph of good over evil and of course the expected happily ever after.

However, I am not totally convinced. Maybe I am too much of a realist or I am just plain cynical.

I cannot be Cinderella

I consider chores a pain in the butt

I abhor mice, much less be friends with them

If I had an evil stepmother, I would be more evil

Beside I wear a size 8 shoes, I will surely break the glass slipper

And I love to party and stay awake beyond 12 midnight

I cannot be Snow White

Heaven forbid that I would look like a chalk face

I can befriend 7 little dwarfs if they give me gold

And I don't like apples that much, especially red ones

And I am vain too, looking constantly at my full length mirror

I cannot be Aurora/ Briar Rose/ Sleeping Beauty

My eyebrows can never be that high

Get married at 16 just because someone woke me up

With a kiss of true love or lust?

Come on, that is too unrealistic

I cannot be Belle/ Beauty

Among my siblings, I am the feistiest and the brattiest

Fall in love with a Beast? I did hoping he'd change

Nope, he turned into a frog full of warts

And was a full pledge beast until the end

I cannot be Ariel/ Little Mermaid

Have a lobster as a friend, hello hallucination!

Half lady. half fish.... stinky!

Have a pair of clams to cover my assets

And just lose my voice to have feet

I cannot be Gretel and eat a candy house

Be a sibling to Hansel who suggested bread crumbs, duh?

I do not have the heart to push an old lady in an oven

I'd rather tell my own mom to GET LOST

and have the crows have her for Dinner

I cannot be Thumbelina

Hey anyone can flick me

And have a mole as a suitor, no way

Having wings at the end means one thing

Thumbelina is also an insect

But I think I can fit the following fairy tale characters

I can definitely be Lucifer the Cat, I was into a cat fight once

I will also be a Gaston, I am loud and at times too vain

The evil queen, of course! Have a castle and magic mirror

I can change into any form I want

I can also be Maleficient. Hey I hate it when somebody forgets to send me an invitation

I can be Pinocchio, I am never good at lying

However, my nose does not get longer, just turns red.

This is not to discourage young people to believe in the "magic" of fairy tales. Here are simple facts that we should know when we get older;

Prince Charmings are not always charming, they are CHAUVINISTIC PIGS!

Women should not play the damsel in distress role, perverts will save you.

Stepmothers are not always evil, they just want your share of the inheritance

Witches do not die, they just turned to bitches

Animals can never talk, and mice will always be filthy

But try to talk to them, add delusion to hallucination!

....... Happily Ever Afters are not the always the end of tales....

It can be always, sometimes, once a week/ month/ year, never.

And so I write,

          Once upon a time, a woman types on her laptop about what fairy tales mean to her. She tried and tried, she huffed and she puffed but she never figures it out. And she lived happily ever after.

No Regrets

No regrets, no remorse, no second thoughts on

.......... being humble to admit that we were poor while growing up

.......... preventing myself from crying for Pride was the only thing I have

.......... eating wild bean sprouts since we didn't have food

.......... preoccupied myself by perfecting my handwriting

..........having 6 different handwriting styles

.......... laughing inside my head at teachers who are just plain idiots

..........telling myself that these bullies that someday "Things will Change" (and it did, losers!)

.......... finding solace from pain in books

No regrets, no remorse, no second thoughts on

......... having the perks of being with the most popular groups

......... getting drunk so many times I tasted every bottle (now I am not curious)

......... being a daredevil and having the "Hell I Care" Attitude

......... pretending that my heart got broken, in other words Good Riddance!

.........laughing LOUDLY at teachers who are just plain idiots

.........enjoying my senior year to the fullest extent

No regrets, no remorse, no second thoughts on

........taking up Psychology (hey it was the shortest line during enrollment)

........being friends with a lot of gay people (truest friends I have)

........ getting rid of a supposed best friend who was a snake all the while

........ playing billiards until 3 in the morning and having class at 7:30 am

........ loving my internship, the students, the patients

........Laughing and DEBATING Loudly with teachers who are just plain idiots

No regrets, no remorse, no second thoughts on

........ running away from home to have a job in a far far away land

........ enjoying my freedom, burning my clothes while ironing

........ loving teaching my students with special needs

........ learning to love learning again

No regrets, no remorse, no second thoughts on

........dumping the wrong person through a text message

........ not finishing his thesis so he can pass the damn arts course

........ not taking him back when he learned I was leaving for greener pasture

........ .fighting LOUDLY with his brother who was just a plain idiot

....... .taking care of his other brother who was special

.........Having the LAST LAUGH when he knew I was with a new person

No regrets, no remorse, no second thoughts on

.......having my last great adventures

.......meeting a person who was worth being with even if time was too short

.......packing my bags and stopped being too complacent with life

.......falling in love again

        and this time, he is a good man. (Finally used my head on this matter)