Dear Lollipop Baby,

I can hardly believe you're one month old already.  Sometimes the days have seemed slow, especially when they've been preceded by a night of little sleep.  But mostly each day whizzes by so that by the time your daddy comes home from work I don't know where the hours have gone as it feels like we've only just got up!  How can you be one month old already?  In moments of extreme tiredness I remind myself that this time with you is going to go by so quickly, and to enjoy it all now, even the not so nice bits!

You're very lovely, you know.  It's so nice getting to know you and watching you start to come alive.  You can put your hands together now, and I can feel you touching me when I hold you over my shoulder, feeling my clothes or touching my hair.  You've been desperately trying to hold your head up for several weeks already, and now when you're over my shoulder, or sitting up to be winded you do hold up your wobbly little head, attempting to look so grown up.  Winding is not much fun, by the way.  It seems to take forever, especially in the middle of the night, and we can never tell whether after one big burp there are any more to come out or not.

You like having a bath.  Well, you usually cry during the set up stage and when you first get in, but then once you're in you remember it's not so bad after all and float about in there, kicking your legs.  Your hair is always so silky-soft after a bath.  We haven't used any products on you yet – no bath soap or shampoo - just water for now.  So you don't really have that baby smell.  You sometimes smell a bit milky, and last night your daddy said you smelled like the reed of a clarinet!

We try to talk to you all the time, and sometimes it seems as if you want to say something back.  It will be lovely when you can join in our conversations.  You've started to smile, though only when you want to…no amount of jiggling or funny faces from me can entice one.  But I love that sometimes when I go to pick you up from your Moses basket you see me and beam the loveliest smile.  It'll be fun when we can make you laugh too.

You like to lie on your changing mat, looking up at the mobile that daddy made for you.  You're funny about nappies and often hold everything in until we take the nappy off and then out it all comes.  You've already managed to get poo on my face, and we seem to wash your clothes all the time thanks to your abundance of wee and poo.  We've just started using your Wonderoo nappies now – they're washable ones, better for the environment.  I couldn't believe how much rubbish we were building up using the disposable ones, and you're just one tiny baby.

Daddy stays up to give you a late night feed.  I think you're often a bit naughty with him, either messing about not drinking or then drinking and not going to sleep.  We're not sure how to help you figure out about nighttime sleeping yet.  You're getting better though, starting to go for 4 or 5 hours in a go which helps me feel a bit better in the day time!  You're still sleeping in your Moses basket in our room.  (Though sometimes you're sleeping in our bed!  Not often now…but you did this morning because I was so tired I just had to lie down and you wouldn't go down in your basket).

You like me to sing to you.  Or at least I imagine you like it!  We sing songs about you, or I seem to revert to songs from The Sound of Music and Mary Poppins quite a lot.  'Spoonful of Sugar' is my current favourite to sing you when you have the hiccoughs!  You get these every day, sometimes two or three times.  You were a very hiccough-y baby in my tummy too.  It will be fun when we can sing these songs together.  And I'm looking forward to doing craft things with you, painting and drawing.

But for now I'm just enjoying your new-ness, your tiny fingers that look like mine, and your long toes that look like your dad's.  I hope I always remember what it's like to feel the weight of you, the warmth of you, curled up on my chest with your head tucked under my chin, snoring gently.

I love you Leilani Baby.

Mommy xx

So, Leilani was making no moves to come out on her own, and I was
booked in for an induction on Thursday 26th October. I felt really nervous
beforehand, even though my poor belly was stretched so tight it felt
like I might pop if they didn't get her out soon!  We went up to the
hospital that evening, and in one of the labour rooms they gave me a
pessary with hormones to try and kick things off.  Rich had come
equipped with his laptop, so whilst I was strapped to the monitor so
they could check baby's heart beat we watched TV things on his laptop
or chatted.  By around 11pm, I think it was, they decided nothing was
happening, so I was moved up to another ward for the night and Rich
was sent home.  Bless him, I think he was starving as somehow we'd
managed to not have dinner before going to the hospital - I was given
a chicken sandwich once there but he had nothing.  :)

The following morning they had me back down in the little room again,
with another pessary to try once more.  This time Rich and I watched
Disney's 'Beauty & the Beast' on DVD.  And by the time it finished I
was having contractions.  I never really got that long bit where you
wait for them to come every 5 minutes...they just went crazy right
from the start!  We put the TENS machine on and initially I was fairly
cheerful and communicative with Rich still, pushing the booster button
on the machine every time it hurt, and it was, at that point, just
like incredibly bad period pains.  But it wasn't long before I was
pretty much racked with pain and unable to speak coherently to anyone!
 I'd already been through lots of midwives monitoring me as they went
off to deliver other ladies or changed shifts - some of them were
really nice so I was disappointed when they'd disappear off.  At this
point my midwife was a girl called Paula who I didn't like - she
seemed very mean, and in between the pains I was thinking to myself
that I hoped her shift was over soon!

Anyway, Mean Paula suggested I try the gas and air - it's the weirdest
stuff.  It doesn't take the pain away, but after a few puffs you feel
quite light-headed and distanced from everything.  I could hear Rich
telling me to stop puffing on it every so often as I gripped it
tighter and tighter in my hands!  From here my sense of time goes a
bit crazy.  I must have kept going in there for a few hours, drifting
into sleep between the contractions.  I remember someone coming to ask
if I wanted fish and chips (good grief!) and I must have said I wanted
toast as after we were done there was a plate of cold toast on the
table!  Mean Paula must have been coming & going, and I do remember
her saying it was time to move to the delivery room and was I ok to
walk (she asked in the kind of way that suggested I'd be a complete
loser if I *didn't* walk, so I walked!)  I was gripping Rich going
down the corridor and I think I had a contraction along the way.

In the delivery room we were handed over to a new midwife, Mel, and a
student midwife called Vicky.  They said their shift went on until 9pm
so I had high hopes of just staying with them.  Time went funny again
here as I was back on the old gas & air.  I do remember Vicky made me
get up and try to go for a wee at one point and it was just
impossible!  I started to feel like I needed to push already, so they
got me back on the bed.  Baby was round on her side though at this
point so I then had to go up over the back of the bed on my knees to
try and encourage her to move around.  I think it was around then that
I started to think I might die :)  I remembered what they'd said in
the classes though about how you just want to give up, and figured it
must be a good sign.  Rich said I wasn't saying much by now and was
making some funny noises.  I was actually thinking I wanted someone to
put the radio on for some music but I couldn't get the words out to
ask!  Then I started to think maybe I should beg for an epidural
because I was so tired.

Anyway, the midwives had me strapped back up to a hearbeat monitor for
the baby again.  They said that I could go for another hour maybe on
the gas & air or I could try starting to push now.  I was desperate
for it to be over at this point so I started pushing.  I knew I'd done
a poo - how shaming!  But by this point I was beyond caring (though I
apologised profusely after it was all over!!)  I was surprised by
where you feel you need to push - I think I'd imagined that I'd feel
it more in my lady bits than my bum, but really it was like trying to
poo a melon.  A large melon.  Probably a water melon.  (She gets her
big head from her dad!)

So, the pushing went on.  But baby kept slipping back up after each
push.  The midwives were really pushing me and at one point I really
wanted to yell at them I was so cross, but I didn't have the oomph!  I
was really noisy by now, but didn't care who heard me.  But this is
when baby's heartbeat started to go a bit nuts, and they kept losing
trace of her.  They got the registrar in to look at me and he was
concerned so started to talk to me about how he needed to do an
episiostomy and then use the ventouse to get her out.  I had really
not wanted anything like this beforehand but I was so scared the baby
wouldn't get out safely that I was just agreeing to anything by then.
So I then found myself with my legs in stirrups (attractive!) and a
doctor giving me a little cut.  Ouch!  The midwife then said 'go on
Ruth, see if you can get her out yourself now' and I just kept
thinking I didn't want the ventouse and so I went for it big
time...and finally they could see her head (they offered to get a
mirror to show me but I declined!)  With another mammoth push her head
was out and I reached down to touch her head - so much hair!  And with
another push again she was out and all of a sudden they'd put her on
my tummy.  She was enormous - that was what I thought first!  Then I
couldn't see if she was a boy or a girl and thought maybe she was a
boy because she was so big, but Rich said that it was a lady baby!

I had the injection for my placenta, and good grief my lovely husband
took a video of that being delivered!  He's so gross - but it is funny
that when it comes out I leaned down to look and you hear me exclaim
'holy cow, that's enormous!' followed by the midwives agreeing that
indeed they weren't usually that big!  Goodness knows how I fit
Leilani and the placenta in my tummy since for most of the pregnancy
everyone had been saying I was a bit small and I even had to have a
scan to check the baby was ok for size!!

So, she was out.  In a record labour time of 2 hours and 52 minutes!
By now the registrar had been investigating my bits and realised he
couldn't sew me up there as after he'd cut me I'd unfortunately ripped
and ended up with a 3rd/4th degree tear.  So then we had the whole
chat about how I had to go into theatre with a spinal anaesthetic and
that he'd sew me up but I should be aware I might poo myself for the
rest of my life!  It's all a bit hazy but I know I had to sign some
kind of form about this :)  The anaesthetist was a really lovely lady,
 and they wheeled me off into theatre, leaving Rich to take care of
the baby.  I was peeved that I'd managed the whole birth on just gas &
air but then had to have the stupid epidual after it was all over!  I
was on a complete high during the surgery and wouldn't stop talking to
everyone in there!  The surgeon said he'd make me into a 16 year old
again...I'm not sure yet if that's a good thing or not!  Anyway, after
much chattering it was all over.  I got very excited when they did the
whole ER bit rolling me on and off the various beds!

Back in the delivery room Rich had had to feed Leilani with some
formula as when they checked her over her blood sugar was low.  She
was under a heat lamp too as she was a bit chilly.  But then they
brought her over to me so I could try and feed her.  She was a natural
from the start (big babies eat a lot...)  They left us in the delivery
room for ages as the maternity ward was really busy, but it was nice
actually to just lie there and relax.  My legs felt completely bizarre
and Rich took pleasure in poking me and knowing I couldn't feel a
thing!  I'd been starving after the birth but wasn't allowed to eat
because of the surgery.  But they'd put me on a drip and that had
taken the edge of my hunger.  After a while they said I could eat
something and I got the famous tea and toast.  I'd heard it said
before and honestly it is *so* true - that cup of tea was the very
best cup of tea in the world and the toast was perfect!

I think those are all the main bits from the birth anyway.  The next
few days were exhausting what with fun with catheters and my drip,
baby not sleeping unless she was in the bed with me and me not being
able to get out of bed anyway to put her in and out of the cot.  Going
home finally was heaven and getting into my own bed after finally
having a shower (I was so ashamed when Rich's parents came to visit
and I was still wearing my labour nightie complete with dirty stuff
from me and dirty stuff from baby all over it!)

Inspite of what my best friend told me, I didn't find my labour
spiritual and empowering (!) but maybe that was because it was brought
on artificially.  It did hurt.  Lots.  But the forgetting instinct
kicks in almost straight away and it fades pretty fast in your mind.
I had trouble walking and sitting for about a week, and everything
'down there' still feels very odd...but I'm hoping my 'designer
v*gina' will turn out nice!  I was disappointed that I didn't have
that immediate wave of love for my baby - I just found myself staring
and staring, wondering how someone so huge had fit inside of me.  That
first night I was awake all night, unable to take my eyes off her,
wondering who she was and kind of disbelieving that we'd actually made
it safely through this time.  It wasn't until we came home and one day
she curled up on my chest, her head tucked under my chin, that I felt
this huge wave of love.  Now I just want to kiss her all the time
she's so sweet and precious.